It's hard to say what is the worst part of my depression - aside from the depression itself. Constant exhaustion. Anxiety. Weight gain. Loss of friends. Loss of hobbies. Lost of interest. Suicidal ideation. Active suicidal thoughts.
That brings us to today, the short-long day that was interrupted by active suicidal thoughts. I know it's due to a recently new medication, but it doesn't make the thoughts any less intrusive. The sickeningly sweet promise of a reprieve and release from all these gloomy days and undependable emotions. It tells me how much better everyone would be without my weight around their neck. Everyone would be free. The world wouldn't notice the difference. Hell, even I would be better off - you can't be depressed when you're dead, right?
There is a part of me that feels adrift in an endless sea. I can see other boats along the horizon, and we wave from a distance.
Except that my boat has a flaw- it's on fire. It's always on fire.
I can let the fire burn until it runs out of fuel and leaves me without a ship to sail upon.
I can bucket water in from the ocean to put the fire out, but that risks sinking my ship and again leaves me without a ship to sail upon.
Bound to the ship as I am, neither option is favorable.
Medication acts as a fire extinguisher to keep the heaviest of the blaze under control and out of danger.
And right now, my fire extinguisher is unbalanced and in disarray. I hope the ship can weather the storm.